Thursday, August 18, 2011

Meet me at the sea shore...

Sweet baby girl, one year ago today, I was listening to your strong, steady heart beat, wondering if you were a she or a he. I was so in love with you already. Today, I am packing for our first big family vacation...without you. Today, I should be excitedly packing all of those sundresses, and  little bathing suits, even those questionable bikinis from Aunt Cathy. :)

 We should be excitedly mapping out our big road trip to accommodate your feeding schedule, but instead we'll just drive well into the night.
This vacation was going to be your first beach trip ever. I couldn't wait to see you play in the sand, dip those wiggly toes in the water, and watch the love in that hotel room for you, as your GAC (great Aunt Cheryl) and Badee (great Aunt Debbie) would have met you for the first time. Your daddy had bought you the sweetest, modest, one piece bathing suit, to match your beautiful self. ( I may still pack that one with me, just to keep it close by),
This is the last of the events we had "planned" with you, before you even arrived. And while everyday stings a bit because you aren't here...I am not sure if it is comforting or terrifying that this was the last planned event.
We are celebrating your Grammy's 60th birthday while at the beach, and your Aunt Judy had given you  a bunch of clothes before you were being this dress. It was going to fit you at this time of we had designated it your party dress for Grammy's birthday dinner. It seems to have lost it's "celebration" and "joy" effect now as it just hangs in your closet.
This trip is so bittersweet baby girl. Many times we thought of canceling. After all, this was not how this trip was supposed to be. But your daddy decided that we needed to go to continue to honor you...and honor you we will. While it will feel like we are even further away from you, if possible, we do have some amazing friends who are going to visit your site while we can not.
Daddy contacted a church right by our hotel and they are saying a Mass in honor of you on Sunday, and the whole family is going. I have asked everyone to pack their Team Sofie shirt (which they had already anyway), so that we can take a big family photo and still have you be in it with us...just in a very different way. Mommy and daddy have a few other ideas for keeping you close with us this trip. So, meet me at the sea shore, baby girl, so you can see for yourself how you will be with us every single day. Meet me at the sea shore, so that I can feel your warmth in the ocean breeze, imagine your giggles when the gentle waves would crash on your toes, and feel so close to you when we gaze up at the giant moon, where the ocean and the night sky meet.
Last year on our beach trip, was the first time that I really felt you kick...I woke up to three tiny taps on my left a little finger (or foot) just poking me...knocking 3 times. I can still feel those tiny taps when I think about it. Meet me at the seashore, baby girl, so that this year, while I can't feel you move from the inside or out,  I will  feel you alive in my heart. I love you, sweet pea. To the big, giant, moon over the beach, and back baby girl...always and forever.
Daddy's favorite pick for the beach trip :)

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Dear God (and Sofie)

I fully recognize that many things I have said, done and/or thought in my new life can come across as odd or raise question, sometimes I hear myself and! But it is all a part of my new perspective on life...and death. See, my relationship with God has definitely been healing...there are still moments that I doubt or get angry, but overall, I would say we are definitely back on speaking(and listening) terms. But I do have to acknowledge that my praying style is now very different. I have always felt connected to the tradition of structured prayer, but most often found myself just sort of conversing with God. Today those conversations are always addressed to God and Sofie. Many days, I find myself talking to Sofie much more than I talk to God...I believe He understands.
I talk to Sofie throughout my day, I cry to her, ask her for inspiration and guidance, and just talk to her about well, everything.
Last night, my niece was injured...she was in the ER at the hospital where I work, which she refers to as "Sofie's Hospital"...*sigh* On exam  she was told that she not only needed stitches, but needed to go to the OR to have a surgeon do the repair, this meant she was going to be given medication to send her into a slumber for the procedure. While it was great to know that she wouldn't have to suffer the pain of stitches in a very sensitive was heartbreaking to witness her sheer terror. I watched her grab my hands and press them up against her clenched eyelids as tight as possible, with just enough room for sobbing tears to flow through..this reminded me of my own reaction in the delivery room when we first heard the words "brain damage". My heart ached for her, that I couldn't take away her fear or anxiety...once again I felt completely helpless. As we found ourselves alone in the exam room for a few minutes, she told me that she was so afraid to be "put to sleep" because she feared she would never wake up. I tried to comfort her, told her that just maybe she'd dream of Sofie and then she and I decided to pray to Sofie. We began Dear God and Sofie...we asked God and Sofie to give her strength, we asked Sofie to stay with her through her procedure so that she would feel safe, we asked Sofie to help her feel brave and to trust the doctors who were going to take very good care of her. For those few minutes, Becca seemed more calm, she seemed to breathe deeper with each word to sweet Sof. When I stepped away from that moment, I was so sad. It breaks my heart that Sofie isn't here and is only "available" to my niece through prayer and conversation. But it also filled my heart to know that my niece did find comfort in being able to not only pray to God for strength but also to Sofie; a baby girl that she does have a real relationship with, even though it is so different than it should have been. Today my sister told me that Becca asked her if she had stayed with her through her surgery in the OR. When my sister told her that she had not been not allowed, Becca didn't believe her. Becca said that she could feel someone holding her hand the entire time. Becca then replied, that it must have been Sofie.  I believe that it was.
I talk to Sofie endlessly. Her love; the love that she has inspired in me and the hope and meaning that I find in her, has led me back to a healing relationship with God.
God, thank you for the Gift of Sofie. Please keep her in your love and light. Surround her with pure joy and take good care of her for me, until I get there.
Sofie, I love you baby girl. Thank you for being with Becca and helping her to find peace and strength. Thank you for being such an active part of my every day. Please continue to inspire me baby girl. Help me to continue to spread the love that you have beautifully ignited. You are my whole heart. I love being your mama.
 Dear Sofie, maybe tonight I could feel your tiny hand in mine as I sleep, just in case I'll keep it open. ♥♥