It's hard to believe that it has been 5 months today since I held you in my arms. 5 months since I changed your diapers, bathed you, stroked that silky head of yours. I can still feel you arch your back every time I touched your head with my hand or gently placed a kiss on top of that soft and straight dark blonde hair (just like daddy's). I miss the days where I would plead with you to "wake up, wake up, wake up" with every one those stretches...hoping with each one, that this one would be the one to wake you from your brain injured slumber.
5 months. Even that doesn't seem right. In some ways, it feels like just yesterday that we brought you home to pass peacefully in your nursery. In some ways still, it feels like a lifetime ago.
I just left your perfect nursery this afternoon and noticed how it seems to capture a constant soft pink glow, regardless of the time of day. I hate that you are not here to wake up from your nap to that glow...but maybe that glow is just for me.
That glow makes the energy in your room feel palpable...so alive, just like you.
That glow is a reminder that just because your room isn't being used as I would have expected, the glow remains. It is comforting and peaceful. I find myself wanting to lie down on your soft, perfect pink and brown polka dotted nursery rug and lose myself in the warmth of this pink glow.
You baby girl are just like that soft glow, radiating peace and comfort. And although not here as we had planned, you do remain.
I don't know that I'll ever stop counting the months since you left this world, but I do believe that counting the moments of love, joy, peace and inspiration that you brought and continue to bring, will far outweigh the number of months since your death.
So today I remember that day 5 months ago, but I also celebrate your beautiful life. Glow on sweet Sofie, glow on.
"All that I am, all that I ever was is here in your perfect eyes, there all I can see. I don't know where, confused about how as well, just know that these things will never change for us at all. If I lie here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world" ~Snow Patrol