525, 600 Minutes...

One year ago today, you my sweet girl, made your entry into this world and in doing so entered the hearts of hundreds. Your birthday certainly didn't turn out quite as expected. While we did expect to be somewhat overwhelmed as we learned to care for your needs, we never could have imagined that those needs wouldn't include changing your diapers, learning to feed you, or soothing your cries. We never expected those needs to include feeding tubes, ventilators, EEG's, and finally helping you to die. 
I would have expected your first year to be measured so differently; how many outfits did you outgrow? How many diapers did we go through? How many late night feedings? How many sleepless, beautiful nights? How many bedtime stories read, and bath time routines had? How many stolen glances of you sleeping on your daddy's chest?
But here we are, 525, 600 minutes later and no answers to the questions above. Today and every day from here on out, I will measure my days and my life so differently, because of you. 
You have changed my whole heart. I could never have expected to feel the intense love that I do for you. Because of you sweet Sof, I will measure every year, month, week, day, and moment... in love. 


The words in this song have always inspired me, but I hear them with such a different intensity today. Because of you; your birthday and your beautiful, powerful life; ever day is a Season of Love. 


Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Moments so dear

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure - Measure A Year?

In Daylights - In Sunsets
In Midnights - In Cups Of Coffee
In Inches - In Miles
In Laughter - In Strife

In - Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure
A Year In The Life?

How About Love?
How About Love?
How About Love?
Measure In Love

Seasons of Love.
Seasons of Love.

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Journeys To Plan

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure The Life
Of A Woman Or A Man

In Truth That She Learned
Or In Times That He Cried
In Bridges He Burned
Or The Way That She Died

It's Time Now - To Sing Out
Though The Story Never Ends
Let's Celebrate
Remember A Year In The Life Of Friends

Remember the Love
Remember the Love
Remember the Love
Measure In Love

(~RENT)

Happy First Heavenly Birthday, Sweet Pea. I hope you are surrounded by the glory of Heaven today and everyday. I hope the choirs of angels sing you the most beautiful birthday song, and I hope that you feel the love that you have brought to your mama, reflected back to you.

 I would give anything to kiss you gently as I wish you a Happy 1st Birthday, to watch you tear into a piece of cake, to have you fall asleep against my skin. But today is your birthday, and though different than I could have imagined; it is time now, to sing out because your story doesn't  end.

So let's celebrate and  remember....Remember the Love.
I love you, baby girl, ttmabbg. 


~Mama

Here I am, Lord....

Pretty, pretty girl,

Last week in church, I was touched when a familiar song was being sung by the choir. I always get excited when they sing a song that I know from my youth choir days back home, and I always look at your daddy and proudly exclaim, "I know this one!" 

As the words to, "Here I am, Lord" began, I was surprised by my reaction. I felt that all too familiar feeling of tears welling up in my eyes; as I began to think about a conversation that I had with someone several months ago. 

There are a variety of things that people say to someone who has just suffered a tragedy, or in my case, the loss of you, my sweet girl. Some of those things are kind, gentle, all are well intended...but man do some of those things just make me crazy. 

Even just the other day, when hearing about you, a gentleman with kids of his own said, "Don't worry it gets better." And then continued by asking me if we would "just" have more kids, and how many we "wanted". He was kind, and I fully understand his uncertainty with what to say to me. I refrained from answering what was screaming in my head, "It doesn't get "better" and I "Want" my daughter in addition to any other children we may be blessed with. If it was just up to what your daddy and I "wanted", well these days would surely be different. 

One of the other comments that I have always struggled with, and has especially angered me this past year is the old, "Everything happens for a reason." God, I hate that saying. Or I should say, I hated that saying. 

That is until one day, when I was blessed to connect with a very spiritual woman who has also endured the loss of her own sweet baby girl, approximately 15 years ago. She is way ahead of me in growth from her loss and I appreciate her insights profoundly. She has a beautiful sense about her and a unique ability to offer various spiritual perspectives. 

Because I hold her in high regard as a sort of spiritual counselor for me, I groaned inside when she uttered those very words that I hate. "You know, everything happens for a reason."

She picked up on my snarling as she spoke, and I explained that I don't know how I feel about that statement. I still struggle so much with the idea that a loving God, would choose to, albeit spread such love, but through such pain. 

She offered me a unique perspective that I have come to cherish. 

As we reflected on her daughter and you, baby girl, and the love that you brought to me and so many others; she challenged me. 

I often tell you, sweet Sof, that I don't know how it works, meaning things beyond death. Sure I have faith, I believe in heaven and in a soul's journey....but I have no idea how it works. 

This woman offered; "What if in Heaven, these souls all got together? What if God was discussing the need to awaken a sense love and restore a sense of faith in this world that we live in, where we are often too busy to make time, to pay attention, to truly love? What if God didn't choose this for Sofie at all? What if, as God was explaining what was needed, that it wouldn't be easy, and in fact it would be a short, difficult life but that it would bring great love...what if Sofie's soul stepped forward and said, "Send me. I'll do it. Please, send me." And what if further if she looked in the very eyes of God and said, "and I choose them to be my parents, to share in this journey with me." 

As she paused, I wiped tears from eyes and said, "Well if that is how it works, if this was her choice, well then how I could be anything but proud of her." 

If my sweet baby girl was the one to choose, to be born into the life that she was; for a greater purpose, well then that fills me with a mother's pride. I can live with that. 

I understand that in this lifetime, I will never know "how it works", but this perspective brings me peace. 

This perspective helps me to heal my relationship with a loving God, that didn't choose this fate for my daughter, but was equally proud of her for her bravery when her sweet soul stepped forward to fulfill her journey. 

As I listened to the words of this beautiful hymn, I couldn't help but feel overcome with pride and love for you, Sof. 

I choose to believe that this is how it works. I choose to believe that you chose love over a long life, that you chose to awaken faith, and that you chose us. 

I have been filled with pride for you since the day I found out about you, but this is a feeling of pride unlike any other. You sweet girl, continue to teach and remind your mama how to look at at, love, and live life differently. 

You are brave and beautiful. I love you, Sweet Pea, to the big Heavenly moon and back. 

Well done, Sweet Pea, well done. We are so proud of you. 

..."I who made the stars and night

I will make the darkness bright
Who will bear my light to them
Whom shall I send?

Here I am Lord
Is it I Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night
I will go Lord
If you lead me
I will hold your people in my heart."....

♥♥♥♥♥

A Stocking Full of Love...

Growing up in our house, opening our Christmas stockings were almost as much fun as opening the gifts under our tree. As we got older, we would find that our stockings were always filled with items that we needed...things that we used every day.
It was comforting this year, to find that Sofie's stocking was filled with much of the same...things that we need and that we use every day. A stocking full of love, hope, and celebration of life.

The amount of letters that poured into to fill Sofie's stocking leaves me humbled, and we shared a beautiful day as we read each one together. The words were so touching and simply perfect, that I decided that it is only right that this blog entry be comprised of your words to Sofie.
Here is a compilation of love letters to Sofie... Merry Christmas, baby girl. You are so loved.

Dearest Sofie,

About a year ago I watched as my good friend from high school was expecting her first child, a baby girl. I watched how excited your mom was with your arrival and I thought to myself, "this little girl will do amazing things."  Sofia, you are a beautiful angel, but I must brag and say that I was right, you continue to do amazing things. Little angel, you have changed my life.

You are amazing and have given me so many gifts. From the day your mommy told me that she was pregnant, I loved you.  I feel honored to have gotten to know you so early on,  I remember looking over to talk to your mommy and seeing a large kick or punch from you from across the office...we would laugh and giggle. I will always treasure these moments.

You are such a loved little girl. We talk about you every day!! Your mom and dad are so proud of you, we moms and dads are like that, you know. 

Although you are not able to be here physically, rest assured that you are in our hearts always. You have made so many lives "complete." You continue to inspire so many people. 

This time of year, many of us speak of wishes for peace on earth, that is one thing that you have brought to many. Your tiny beautiful spirit is doing so much. It is....showing us love, giving us hope, opening our eyes, rekindling compassion, bonding hundreds in a common understanding. Thank you, Sofie. 

The gift of your love continues to inspire others and bring smiles to the faces of children/parents through such a simple gift of a blanket...simple and beautiful much like yourself. 

Your life and love are the best gifts that I have ever been given, because they can never be lost and the value only increases!

You are pure radiance, you are light...filling the hearts of so many. And while I wish I could see you crawl around the Christmas Tree, playing with bows and getting into everything, I know that your Christmas will be nothing less than glorious. 

We wish for you sweet angel, on this day, that you feel the love and warmth that surround you on this your first Christmas Day!

I am sure that Heaven is drowning in pink up there. I believe that you make God smile every day. 

I bet you are excited as you attend the most special birthday party of the year! I bet great-grandma Angie is making her special Christmas cookies...please don't give too many to that chubby little dog who I know is following you around! 

Sofie, You are probably the most cutest and the most special angel I have ever known, I know my mommy loves you and your mama and daddy so much, because we ask God to watch over all of you each night. 

I think of you a lot, especially when we read "Guess How Much I love You", or I see a butterfly, or a beautiful sunset, or a particularly beautiful moon and now think, TTMABBG.

I'm glad that we are friends, even though it is in Heaven and not on Earth where our mommies and daddies want us to be, make sure to let your Mommy and Daddy know that we will be celebrating with Jesus this year so that we will not be alone. (ps. I hope you like this pink paper, I picked it out just for you!)

Sofie, you touched my heart. You are an amazing reminder that true love can be a comfort that helps people move forward.  Move forward with, and through their loved ones, their memories, and their gifts.

You have touched my life in a way that I can't explain. YOU Miss Sofia have forever changed my life. You are beautiful! Keep sending those butterflies!

I love you and miss you.

         8i8  

Thank you all for writing this Christmas Letter to our sweet, sweet girl. 

~ Sofie's Mama

My Christmas Wish...

Pretty, pretty girl, 
My heart doesn't have many words today; but as I listened to one of my favorite Christmas songs yesterday, I realized that it captures how I feel completely.While I would give anything to see you in your perfect Christmas dress tonight as we get ready for church, I understand that cannot be. 

So here is my new Christmas wish as we face the festivities that lay ahead, with a heavy heart that longs to watch you tear into wrapping paper, all while stealing the show with your beautiful self.  Instead today...
"I pray on ChristmasThat the Lord will see me throughI pray on christmasHe'll show me what to do
I pray on ChristmasHe'll help me understandAnd I pray on ChristmasHe'll take me by the hand...
I pray on ChristmasThat God will lead the wayAnd I pray on christmasHe'll get me through another day
I pray on christmas...He'll get me through another day
I pray on ChristmasAll our problems gonna be worked outI pray on ChristmasGod'll show us what love's about
I pray on ChristmasTo do your will each dayAnd I pray on ChristmasThat I'll be with you in Heaven some day...
I pray on ChristmasThat God will lead the wayAnd I pray I really pray on ChristmasHe'll get me through another day..." ~Harry Connick Jr. 

One more day closer until I can "be with you in Heaven some day". Merry Christmas baby girl. ~Mama

Love.

Sweet Sofie, 
The past 2 weeks, I had the honor of being able to share you, your life, and our story with the folks that your mama works with everyday. It was an intimate look into how our lives have changed since you entered the world.
As I sit down to write this, I am immediately struck by one of your e-cards that I just re-read the other day. It begins, "Dear Sofie, you were born to change the people around you forever. First, your parents, then everyone else. You have already made people look to God more than ever. Great start." 
I choke up every time I read those words, not just out of sadness because I miss you terribly but out of the sheer power of those statements. 
You were born to change the people around you forever, and that you did. Great start. 
When I look back towards the early days of our journey, I feel like I lost myself in the obvious lessons. You know,  "the life is unfair & terribly unbalanced" lesson. Sometimes it was hard for me to see through the cloud of tears in my eyes to recognize fully the most powerful lessons that you have taught not only me, but so many who have been touched by you. The lesson of love.  
For 10 months when people have asked me how I do what I do, (it's always a silly question to me and my answer is always the same.) "I'm just a proud mom who loves her daughter." I don't do anything differently than any other mom who puts their child first. 
When people have asked me how I let go of my anger and continue to face each day, my answer has always been, "I miss her terribly, every second of every day but, I love her even more than I miss her." I choose to focus on that love, even in those dark, difficult moments....I learned that from your daddy. 
Finally, when people have asked me how I feel like I have changed in these last 10 months, my answer is simple. "She has taught me how to live and love differently."
Love is everywhere to be found, when I think of you, sweet baby girl. 
Love gives me joy, strength, faith, and hope. 
Love is you.
As I prepared to share our story with the last batch of my co-workers, I reflected on many things from the past few weeks: A difficult Thanksgiving holiday, in which you should have been slinging sweet potatoes at your Daddy and me, but instead there was not a single food stain on our clothes from you; I breathed deeply as  we were hurled into the next Holiday season with reminders of just how special, amazing, and different this Christmas was supposed to be, as we experienced the joy of Christmas through the eyes of our 11 month old baby girl; but instead we celebrated you at the annual Remembrance Service for children who have left us much too soon. I reflected back to the first session of our work retreat, and was overcome as I kept playing and replaying some very wise words that were shared that day.
"Every sentence has a period".  Our lives on this Earth are final. "Every sentence has a period." Those words struck me, the minute they were spoken. My initial reaction was to respond with an, "I don't want a period at the end of my sentence, I want an exclamation point!" But as the week went on, and I thought about you, your daddy; and our beautiful family of three; you changed my perspective once again. 
Every sentence does have a period. It doesn't matter what kind of car you drive, how much money you make, or how successful you are...that period will find its way to the end of your sentence. It doesn't matter how much crying, pleading, praying, yelling, kicking, or screaming (trust me I know), we can not escape that period. 
But it isn't the period that matters, it is the words of your sentence that make a statement. (pun intended)
Think about it...every sentence that is read; be it clever, funny, sad, thrilling, short, long, run-on, grammatically correct or not; every sentence is read the same. The period is never spoken. It is assumed. It is there. We see it, we acknowledge and regard it, but it is not mentioned. What is mentioned, the parts that invoke feelings, emotions of love, fear, anxiety, thrill, joy, hope, or invites laughter; are the words of that sentence. 
The period is not what matters. 
The words of our "life" sentence is what matters the most. We never know when that period is coming, so we need to make sure that our sentence is complete and makes the statement that we want to make. 
Some sentences are very long, others are average length. Your sentence was much too short for your daddy and me, I do wish it had gone on for chapters and chapters. (But my heart knows that it still does). 
When I was sharing our story and our lives together, my head kept inquiring, "What is Sofie's sentence?"
I kept envisioning your short, sweet sentence over and over again....and it never changed. 
Love. Period. And that Sweet baby girl, is one pretty powerful sentence.
I'm not sure that my sentence is complete, but it is much more the statement that I want it to be today because of you. As long as my sentence has you in it, then I know it will be a statement that I can be proud of.  When it is time for that period to find its way to me, I hope that the Great Writer places your sentence just before and just after mine. Love. You encompass my statement; your life and our love, together, with your daddy's....those are some sentences that I think are worth reading. Love. 


"So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love..." 1 Cor 13:13


I love you, Sweet Pea. 
~Mama




1 Cor 13:1-13
1 "...If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal.
2 And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing.
3 If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated,
5 it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,
6 it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the Truth.
7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing.
9 For we know partially and we prophesy partially,
10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.
11 When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things.
12 At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known.
13 So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love..."

"Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow."

Sweet Sof, I am sorry for the delay in this post...It isn't as timely as I had wanted it to be. The words have been in my heart, and I hadn't realized that I had not yet finished this entry to you. Please forgive me. ~Your fuzzy brained mama ♥

My sweet Sof, 

Something amazing happened today. Something truly amazing. After spending a good amount of time visiting with you at your site today, having one of my heart to hearts with you...after many tears flowed freely down my face; I breathed deeply and headed home. Every second of that drive was spent wishing you would be there when I walked in. It's probably a silly thing to continue to wish for...but silly as it is, I know I will wish that forever. 

When I got home, I wiped away the tear stains that seem permanently attached to my cheeks somedays, and checked our mail. There was a package addressed to all three of us. Perplexed, as I hadn't been expecting anything, I opened it with care. 

I immediately saw an envelope  addressed to me and your daddy. It was from mama's old friend, Miss Claire, the one who climbed the Pike's Peak challenge in honor of you this past September...she is also the official creator of the original Team Sofie clothing line. :) 

She had enclosed a beautiful thank you card for a donation that was made in your name to support her climb. Her thank you was comprised of the most breathtaking photos of Pike's Peak, her exquisite journey to the top, and a sweet, sweet photo of you. 

It was perfect. 

My moist eyes then noticed a small white box that remained in the package. I pulled it out and noticed that the box was simply addressed to you. That sentiment alone filled my heart; but when I opened that box and saw what was inside for you...my full heart....well it overflowed with tears of love for you. 

Miss. Claire sent you her gold medal that she received when she reached the summit of that great mountain. 14,115 challenging feet that she climbed & scaled all for you. I remember reading her comments when she finished and how moved she was when she received that gold medal at the top. And now that gold medal is yours.

As I tried desperately to see through my own tears and admire this beautiful medal...I couldn't help but smile. It shouldn't surprise me at all that YOU are the first member of our family (and likely only member) to receive a gold medal. You have accomplished great and wondrous things.  Gold medals are given out to the highest achievers...and well baby girl...that you certainly are. I am so proud of you. 

Weeks before you received this honorable gift, the world learned that a genius mind left this world to enter yours. Steve Jobs was brilliant and certainly gave a lot to this world. As media focused on his death and more importantly his life...I found myself intrigued and in the days just after you received your medal, his last words were revealed for the first time. I was moved as I read them in an article that also contained the Eulogy that his sister read at his funeral. 

She spoke of his, "sweet capacity for wonderment, his belief in the ideal, and the still more beautiful later." The words that really touched me with their power, were when she continued that, "Death didn't happen to Steve, that he achieved it."

I couldn't help but think of you and your beautiful gold medal. It is a reflection of your incredibly powerful life, your ability to change hearts...to inspire... to radiate love. You, sweet Sof have achieved in life and in death.

 Death did not happen to you, you achieved it.

 You have achieved "the still more beautiful later"... and how I so wish that you were snuggled next to me this very minute, that I was washing loads of your sweet, sweet clothes, or changing yet another stinky, poopy diaper...my heart can find peace that you are already where I will hope to achieve to be...one day. I may never receive my own gold medal, I may never achieve the power to inspire love quite like you have and that is ok...because that day, whenever it may be, when we are reunited in that "beautiful later"...that will be plenty gift enough for me. 

I find solace that Steve Jobs' family and friends were present to capture his last words: "Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow." If the genius, logical & brilliant mind of Steve Jobs can be amazed and moved to those simple yet powerful words as he was about to enter "the still more beautiful later"; then how can I not believe that you have achieved complete greatness. 

I love you sweet baby girl, and I am so proud of you, today..tomorrow...and in that beautiful later. ♥♥

Learning How To Breathe With No Air...

"If I should die before I wake
It's 'cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air...

But how do you expect me
to live alone with just me
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe

But somehow I'm still alive inside

You took my breath, but I survived

I don't know how..."

Dear Sof, 

Every day I am reminded of how difficult it is to breathe in this new world. Even after 8 months with you not here, I continue to be panic stricken when a moment takes away the little breath that I have left.

Today when I was leaving work, I saw a Christmas tree displayed and lit outside of our gift shop. My brain understands that the holidays are coming sooner than later…but my heart is another story. As soon as I saw those bright, white lights that lay perfectly on that tree, all of my breath escaped my body.

I’m just not ready to face the holidays without you here; the way that you are supposed to be.

 I know that we will still honor you and include you in our holiday festivities. 

We are already in process of working on a beautiful tree that will be available for donation to Akron Children’s Hospital, in your honor. We are calling it, “The Sofia” and it will be adorned with perfect butterflies and topped with a very sweet angel.

I know that we will still hang a stocking inscribed with your beautiful name, hung gently right between mine and daddy’s;  because having a stocking hung for you in our home that we will never be able to see you open, somehow hurts less than not having one for you at all.

I know that we will attend a remembrance service for you and donate a perfect gift for baby girl who is the same age that you would be.

You will be remembered, honored, and loved. 

But today, on October 18^th, when I left work and my heart ran smack into that Christmas tree…I just wasn’t prepared. The reality of you not being with us for your first Christmas is just too much to swallow. Which is ok, because in that moment, I couldn’t swallow. I couldn’t breathe at all. I could only ache.

I had always thought that any type of suffocation would be this world’s cruelest fate.  A feeling of absolute terror intertwined perfectly with absolute helplessness.  I have often watched movies that contain a drowning scene, and have witnessed the devastating results of a drowning patient at work, and my mind can’t help but wonder what those last, terrifying moments would feel like.

 I read that in a drowning death you first experience intense panic and an overwhelming need to keep your face above water. You frantically kick your legs but for some reason keep your hands still. You are silent, you don't try to say anything. You just feel panic. After a couple of minutes you realize that you are sinking. All of the air has now left your lungs. You start to inhale water and it burns as it goes down your throat. You can look up and see the surface, but you feel heavy. The water burns as it begins to fill your lungs…but then you feel at peace. You close your eyes and you succumb to death.

Many days I have felt this heaviness, this burning of a different sort. I’m not drowning in the traditional sense, but the panic and the helplessness are as real as if I were.

With each breath, your lungs become heavier, you are unsure if your body will be able to sustain their weight. Imagine an incredibly hot, humid, sticky day… a day where the air around you feels more like a solid than a breathable gas. With each breath, you are so aware of its thickness, that it takes a conscious effort to swallow in that solid air and gulp it down into those weighted lungs. 

That’s what air feels like with every breath I take, ever since you, my sweet girl, stopped taking yours.

But the human body is amazing, and its resilience to adapt is undeniable. I remember learning a while back that those who find themselves in high altitudes for long periods of time, adjust to compensate for the lower amount of oxygen supply in the air. Their bodies physically turn into an amazing machine as their breathing rate, kidney function, and blood cells all work together to sustain the body as it actually learns to breathe differently. ..in an atmosphere with less breathable air.

I suppose that is what is happening to me.  I am compensating…adapting. The air I breathe is still painful; it burns with each breath of the emptiness that I feel without you. My lungs are heavy but my heart even heavier, which is ironic, because one would think that a broken heart should weigh less somehow.  Yet still, I am learning how to breathe differently.  I am learning how to breathe in this world of no air.

I will never be able to make sense of what has happened in this lifetime. I will never understand why babies have to die at all. I will never understand why this happened to you. I will never understand how our life got so off course.

But I will think of you, miss you and remember you with every breath I take for the rest of my life, and because of you, I will keep breathing, and just maybe that burning will one day turn to into peace. 

The lightness of air and the involuntary act of breathing at all; is something that I will never take for granted, if I should ever be given that gift once again. 

Maybe I’ll ask for that gift of "breathing naivety" for Christmas this year? Or maybe I can sleep through the holidays all together and just wake up in  January?

 I wonder what Santa would say if he pulled my letter out of his North Pole mailbox that read: “Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas this year, is my baby back.”?

I’m thinking that would put a damper on the holiday cheer. So there will be no letter to Santa for me…no Christmas Wish that just can’t be.

Instead I will wish that I feel you close to me through the holidays, and all the days that lay ahead. I will wish that I am able to close my eyes and imagine you in your perfect red, velvet Christmas dress that is trimmed in snow, white fur that we bought for you to have your Holiday photo taken in .

 I will hope that I can imagine your pure joy as you would play more with the wrapping paper than with any of the insane amounts of gifts that would have been bought for you, and I will once again find myself wishing with all my heart for a chance to catch an echo of your sweet giggles throughout the holiday celebrations…even if only in my dreams.

I love you, sweet baby girl, and so I will focus on you in those moments when I am left with no breath, and I will continue to breathe; even in this world with no air….no air.